So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
