I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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