five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
