I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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