I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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