Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
