Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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