dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
