i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
