well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
