My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
