I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
