Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
