I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
