we have officially lost it.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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