So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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