I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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