i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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