Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
