You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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