I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
