i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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