Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
