Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Randomize
