apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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