I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
