just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
