I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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