I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
