So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
