I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
