i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
