Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
So many bounce houses so little time
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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