I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I need a beard to bite.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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