i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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