Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
