Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
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