i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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