My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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