I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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