Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
