Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I wish life had little blips of pornography
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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