Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Randomize
