I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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