Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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