Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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