I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
