Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
