thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
