If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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