he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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